All for Love Coaching

 I just had the strangest experience. Well, honestly, it was just your garden-variety misogyny. But it still felt very strange. I had a consultation with a potential client. He was looking for a specific type of relationship, but all avenues had failed him thus far. I did a little probing, a little coaching, a little description of the process, all my usual consultation stuff. When we hung up, I felt fairly sure he wasn't going to hire me, but I still felt good about the process. The next day he texts me that he doesn't think he's a good candidate for coaching. Totally fair! Some people aren't ready yet to take that step. I wish him well and tell him to not be a stranger if he sees me at events. Then, he asks me if I'm ever in the market for a submissive, will I consider him? Oof. That ain't me. I break the news to him gently and he apologizes. Then, he asks me to block him. Huh? Now, I take no offense to being blocked. Sometimes you don't want to engage wit...

Imagine you live in a house. You’ve lived here your whole life. You’re very used to all the sights and sounds, all the furniture and decor. It’s home. Then something breaks. Maybe you can fix it yourself, a lightbulb blows and you replace it. Maybe… you can’t. You have to call a plumber, an electrician, a contractor.  That’s therapy. They’re trained professionals. Their job is to analyze the situation, how it happened, how it can be prevented, how it can be fixed. You have to let them in, pay them, and most likely even assist them in fixing up whatever broke. They can assess structural problems with the house and tell you how best to fix or tolerate them.  For example, I have depression and anxiety. My contractor (read: therapist) came in and told me that there was a structural issue, but with daily maintenance, the house was still perfectly livable. That’s why I take my meds. They come in periodically to inspect and assess and tweak my system, but the daily work is up to me. ...

  It’s a story I hear over and over.  “I went to a therapist and got told I have a mental illness because I’m a masochist!” “My therapist reported me for abuse because I have a consensual D/s relationship!” It’s 2024, people. Have we learned nothing about sex and sexuality and, first and foremost, consent? No, apparently not. In an ideal world, when a professional hears something that’s outside their scope of experience, they will go educate themselves on the topic. According to ethical guidelines, if it’s too far out of their experience, they will refer the client to a more appropriate care provider. In real life? Not so easy. Sometimes a therapist will try to educate themselves with the wrong resources and end up worse-informed than they started out. Sometimes they’ll prematurely terminate the therapeutic relationship. Sometimes they’ll just let their own instincts guide the conversation. Therapists are humans too. Humans raised in our weirdly puritanical sex-negative societ...

I’ve been in a “helping” field for my entire adult life. On a resume it would be branded a “human services” field, but most people use the former wording when discussing it. “I became an XYZ because I wanted to help people!” “Oh you’re so noble for helping XYZ demographic!” Hearing either of these statements makes me feel kind of grody. And I never really knew why. Especially because when I tried to formulate my own career desires, it generally also boiled down to “help” someone do something. Then, on a recent call, one of my clients absolutely blew my mind. Casually discussing her own issues, she said “The dark side of help is control.” Once more for the people in the back: The dark side of help is control. Well… fuck. If you read my last post about leaving behavior analysis, that was kind of my whole deal. I went into a field that I believed would raise people up, and instead found it forcing them down into boxes. Instead of environmental modifications, accessibility options, or gene...

Well, maybe not “you” specifically. But the vast majority of people? They have no clue. Let’s define our terms. “Sex work” is “the exchange of sexual services, performances, or products for material compensation.” Prostitution is the one most people think of, but lots of different activities fall under the umbrella of sex work. Stripping, porn, camming, phone sex, all of these are forms of sex work. Sex work, most importantly, is valid work. Sex workers clock in, perform their contracted or agreed-upon services, and clock out. It is no more “selling your body” than any other physical labor we perform. Sex workers have a right to all the usual worker protections, even though in the US they are not currently granted them under the law. I have nothing but respect for those who perform sex work. I’m just not one of them. For context, I get approached to do sex work on a regular basis. Mostly by people who don’t understand the term “coaching” in the context of polyamory and kink. My coachin...

I have an assignment for you, reader.  Go watch this video: RIGHT NOW It's a TED talk about the metaphors we use to discuss sexuality, namely baseball, and proposing a new paradigm of pizza. Instead of the competitive win-lose nature of baseball, thinking about sex in terms of pizza provides a more collaborative, satisfying, and ultimately healthy view of relating to sexual partners. Seriously, go watch it. It's wonderful. I saw it last night during a presentation by Pittsburgh Action Against Rape (PAAR) as part of an educational series hosted by the local community. We even did an exercise wherein we all collaborated to build a pizza and then discussed the experience. It made me realize something important. I kind of hate the word "compromise." "But Anneke!" you might say, "You're a relationship coach! Aren't relationships built on compromise?" Some, maybe. But I would argue not the good ones. Compromising holds a connotation of settling. ...

 (this blog is cross-posted over on BoundBDSM.net) Hello world! It's good to be back. I've spent the last few weeks in talks (and texts, and Discord messages) with BoundBDSM, and finally can reveal to you all our new partnership! My coaching services are available through their website HERE . Cue me squealing and bouncing and generally being a nuisance. "But Anneke!" you shout, "Who even are you? Why should we care?" Excellent question! Let's start with the basics. What are my qualifications? I am... a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA), working on becoming a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC), a BA in linguistics and education, an MS in behavior analysis, and... really goddamn weird. "Okay, fair enough," you might follow up with, "but what are you doing here ?" I'm coaching! Specifically, I'm doing relationship coaching with a focus on LGBTQ+, polyamorous, and/or kinky individuals! "Huh?" Life coachi...

 Moderation is not my strong suit. As a matter of fact, I don't know where my moderation suit is at the moment. I may have left it at the dry cleaners.  I write this blog post during work hours, having stayed up until midnight brainstorming names and website layouts for coaching businesses. I spent an hour on the phone with a former coach earlier discussing marketing and genuine engagement, how to avoid sleaze, and the best and worst parts of working on the phone vs. working in person. I haven't even taken my first class yet. What is the root of this enthusiasm? What is the driving force behind my motivation to suddenly switch up everything about my life and career? It's twofold. The carrot and the stick. Firstly, the carrot. I love polyamory and I love kink.  Talking about these topics is met with rabid curiosity from people who are not involved with either. Relationship paradigms outside the mainstream are much more common than we believe, but when we don't talk about...