You Don't Understand Sex Work
But the vast majority of people? They have no clue.
Let’s define our terms. “Sex work” is “the exchange of sexual services, performances, or products for material compensation.”
Prostitution is the one most people think of, but lots of different activities fall under the umbrella of sex work. Stripping, porn, camming, phone sex, all of these are forms of sex work.
Sex work, most importantly, is valid work. Sex workers clock in, perform their contracted or agreed-upon services, and clock out. It is no more “selling your body” than any other physical labor we perform. Sex workers have a right to all the usual worker protections, even though in the US they are not currently granted them under the law. I have nothing but respect for those who perform sex work. I’m just not one of them.
For context, I get approached to do sex work on a regular basis. Mostly by people who don’t understand the term “coaching” in the context of polyamory and kink. My coaching is a guided series of questions and introspective comments, a process to help clients come to an understanding of themselves and their own unique way forward. I do not participate in any sort of sexual or kink-based verbal performance. Often, they will apologize for the confusion and we wish each other well. Other times… boundaries are required.
Most recently, I had someone call me and insist he wanted just some conversation with a “nice, normal person.” Despite certain misgivings about how he presented the conversation, I went along with it and scheduled a consultation. In the consultation, he jumped straight from the “how are you” conversation into asking me to dirty talk him. I told him our expectations were misaligned, and we hung up.
In our initial talk, I had suggested he call a phone sex line, as they might be more aligned with the sort of conversation he wanted to have. He was absolutely insistent that he was not looking for that sort of thing. Except… he absolutely was. He was just under the misconception that phone sex workers could not be “nice, normal people.” He used that phrase more than once and it left me feeling gross every time. The cognitive dissonance struck me especially hard after we hung up the second call- he didn’t expect “nice, normal people” to be willing to dirty talk for money, but I would be?
I know phone sex workers. Hell, I contract with a site that has dominatrix services for sale. These are all nice, normal people. They are performing a service for money, just like me. They just also have a talent and willingness to engage in some verbal roleplay for money. They would have been delighted to have a client who wanted to talk philosophy and psychology before diving into dirty talk. Quite frankly, this potential client is missing out on some scintillating conversation because of his biases.
Many people have strange misconceptions about sex workers in their off-hours. They think anyone who would perform that labor is “broken.” They assume that anyone who would offer any sort of sexually titillating act for money must be a sex fiend at all hours of the day.
I don’t assume that you sub for your boss and perform 40 hours of labor a week because you like it. I assume you do it because you are suited to it, can tolerate it, and need money to function in society.
Since some forms of sex work, namely prostitution, are illegal and unregulated in this country, people who want to hire sex workers have to be covert. They have to dance around the point and speak in code to avoid being arrested and charged. Not only is this frustrating and dangerous ground for misunderstanding even when both parties are looking for the same thing, when unsuspecting third parties like me get involved, it becomes an absolute mess.
Sex work is dangerous, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not inherently dangerous. It’s dangerous because sex workers are routinely stalked, harassed, and assaulted by customers or just people who want to persecute them. Their legal recourse is extremely limited, since they would likely be outed as sex workers if they went to the police. And that’s not even going into the general treatment of sex workers by the police which is, in a word, horrific. Not all sex workers are being trafficked, but those who are have basically no leg to stand on in court because they are technically breaking the law. Never mind that they’re being forced or coerced, any engagement with sex work makes a person guilty in the eyes of most of the judiciary.
If people decided tomorrow that, I dunno, therapy was an immoral, disgusting, emotionally manipulative service, performing therapy would get much more dangerous. People would feel entitled to a therapist’s services at all hours, predators would be emboldened to stalk and threaten them, and people needing therapy would have to either hide their participation or forgo the practice entirely. That’s not a reflection on therapists, that’s a reflection on society. Everyone loses in that scenario, except for the predators.
None of this post will be new to sex workers. This post is for people who flinch when they hear the phrase “sex work.” This post is for people who think that just because I’m openly discussing sex and kink, I’m going to participate in your fantasies. This is for people who use “nice, normal people” as a phrase to exclude someone due to the labor they perform.
I’m not going to tolerate it anymore. And I invite you to become intolerant with me.
~Anneke
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