A Growing Distaste for Compromise

I have an assignment for you, reader. 

Go watch this video: RIGHT NOW

It's a TED talk about the metaphors we use to discuss sexuality, namely baseball, and proposing a new paradigm of pizza.

Instead of the competitive win-lose nature of baseball, thinking about sex in terms of pizza provides a more collaborative, satisfying, and ultimately healthy view of relating to sexual partners.

Seriously, go watch it. It's wonderful.

I saw it last night during a presentation by Pittsburgh Action Against Rape (PAAR) as part of an educational series hosted by the local community. We even did an exercise wherein we all collaborated to build a pizza and then discussed the experience.

It made me realize something important.

I kind of hate the word "compromise."

"But Anneke!" you might say, "You're a relationship coach! Aren't relationships built on compromise?"

Some, maybe. But I would argue not the good ones.

Compromising holds a connotation of settling. There's a sense of giving up that which you truly want in favor of something inferior. It leaves both parties dissatisfied with their lot. 

Imagine someone walking up to you and saying "Give me everything in your wallet!" 

You naturally protest.

"Fine," they say, "We'll compromise. Give me half of everything in your wallet."

Oh. Well that makes it so much better, doesn't it?

YOU'RE STILL GETTING MUGGED.

The secondary meaning of compromise makes this distinction even clearer. "Compromise your beliefs" or even worse, "Our agent in the field was compromised!" It's just not a good word to use, especially in trying to relate to the people you care most about. 

What do we do instead?

Well, that depends on our goal. If you're looking for alternatives to compromise in business negotiations, I would read Chris Voss's "Never Split The Difference," a wonderful take on high- and low-stakes negotiation by a former hostage negotiator.

If we're talking relationships, I would instead propose a model of "consensus."

Let's go back to pizza. As Al Vernacchio says, when you order pizza, you talk about it first. You might start with dietary requirements - is anyone allergic to dairy or gluten? Are there any "absolute no"s? Once those are dealt with, you can start listing options, comparing ingredients that might go well together, expressing preferences, etc. Ideally, at the end of it, you've created a pizza that will be satisfying and enjoyable to both/all parties involved. No one feels cheated out of anything or coerced into anything. That's consensus.

This isn't news to people in alternative relationship models. We're very used to the idea of building our relationships from scratch, in new and interesting combinations that might not be recognizable from the outside.

But what happens when negotiations don't work?

What happens when the only vegan alternative is made from nuts, which another person is deathly allergic to?

What happens when one person stalls the negotiations until everyone else agrees to get pepperoni? Spoiler alert, this person is probably an asshole.

Compromise would tell us to go half-and-half. In the pepperoni scenario, that might work, but in the other scenario, someone might get sick or die.

If two people cannot agree on the components of a good relationship, they should probably not be in a relationship at all. If one person's "must have" is another person's "hell no," compatibility will probably not work out. No matter how much the two of them want to eat pizza together.

If they try to make it work, if one person chokes down pepperoni while another faces a life without olives, resentment will grow. 

Actual pizza story - I dated someone for 4 years who hated pepperoni. Haaaaaaaaaaated it. In the "it corrupts the entire pizza even if it's only on half" way. It wasn't a must-have for me, so we just never had pepperoni pizza together. Then suddenly, another partner asks me what kind of pizza I want. Knee-jerk, I replied with "Well my favorite is pepperoni pineapple, but I'm down for whatever you want."

Guess what kind of pizza he was holding when he showed up that night?

What a treat! What a delight! And what a damn good reminder.

Sometimes asking for what you want... means that you'll actually get it.

That's part of the draw of polyamory. 

Polyamorous people recognize that even if two people aren't pizza-compatible (that is, traditional romantic relationship with sexual entanglement) they might enjoy eating other foods together. They might be more suited as rock-climbing buddies, or a board game gang, or discussion group co-hosts (examples taken from my actual real life just this week). 

Polyamorous people can appreciate a variety of toppings with a variety of people, trying new and different pizzas while still having a place to go for their absolute favorites.

Polyamorous people know that in order to have a fulfilling dinner experience... you gotta talk about it.

~Anneke

P.S. This blog will be cross-posted to BoundBDSM.com in anticipation of our podcast episode together later this month - go check it out on their Discord server on 4/25/24!