Kink-Unfriendly Therapists

 It’s a story I hear over and over. 

“I went to a therapist and got told I have a mental illness because I’m a masochist!”

“My therapist reported me for abuse because I have a consensual D/s relationship!”

It’s 2024, people. Have we learned nothing about sex and sexuality and, first and foremost, consent?

No, apparently not.

In an ideal world, when a professional hears something that’s outside their scope of experience, they will go educate themselves on the topic. According to ethical guidelines, if it’s too far out of their experience, they will refer the client to a more appropriate care provider.

In real life? Not so easy.

Sometimes a therapist will try to educate themselves with the wrong resources and end up worse-informed than they started out. Sometimes they’ll prematurely terminate the therapeutic relationship. Sometimes they’ll just let their own instincts guide the conversation.

Therapists are humans too. Humans raised in our weirdly puritanical sex-negative society.

Kinksters deserve mental health professionals who are capable of compassion and medically appropriate guidance across all aspects of their lives. However, therapists who react with guilt- and shame-laden commentary are all too common to your average kinkster. So what recourse do you have if you find yourself in that situation?

Changing therapists is the most common piece of advice. But Lord Almighty, that’s a process in and of itself. And you don’t really have any assurance that the next therapist will be any better about the subject. Even on the Kink Aware Professionals website, I’m sure that there’s a spectrum of ignorant to informed, open- to closed-minded. 

One option is to educate your therapist. Now, this option works best with a therapist who is ignorant but open to learning. A therapist who has to ask you to define your terms during a session is going to be a tedious process, but a much better therapeutic alliance than one who has already “passed judgment” and is going to make their negative opinion very clear in every conversation.

This option is also best if your therapist is also putting in the work to educate themselves and not asking you to spoon-feed them the most basic of information. If they’re pursuing the knowledge and just asking you to fill in the personalized blanks of your specific relationships, that’s a good practitioner. Your sessions should be about you, not a primer on how BDSM is actually three acronyms in one. The internet exists and they’ve got access.

Another alternative is compartmentalizing. If you really love your therapist and they are doing right by you in all other aspects of your life, you have the option of seeking out a therapist or coach (hi!) who is informed or even specializes in the topic. This option might be right for you if you have complex mental health needs that your therapist is currently serving, and just need that extra push. If kink is a fun extracurricular to you, rather than permeating your everyday experience, this might also be a functional option.

Depending on your relationship with your therapist, it’s up to you whether or not you communicate to them that you are taking this option. You know your situation better than anyone - if they are sufficiently professional, they will be happy that you’re taking advantage of other options. If you think their professional pride might be stung by the idea that they’re not “enough”... you might want to skirt that topic in conversation. It’s always possible that hearing this will prompt them to begin the journey to educate themselves and examine their biases, although that’s a best-case scenario and shouldn’t be relied upon.

Now, it’s possible you could choose one of these options and it could end up not working out. Maybe you’re exhausted by explaining yourself during session, or their initial reaction to your mention of kink may have soured your relationship. What next?

First, do a quick practical assessment of your situation. Ask yourself - do I have the resources to find another mental health professional quickly? Is my situation sufficiently stable that I could go without care for a period of time? Feel free to shop around even if you aren’t committed to leaving yet. There’s nothing wrong with knowing your options before taking the leap. Remember - they are professionals you have hired. If they don’t do their jobs to your satisfaction, you have every right to fire them.

Second, consider how you want to broach the subject to your therapist. Are you comfortable telling them straight-out what the issue is? If they respond favorably, are you open to working things out with them? Do you want to tell them in-session, via phone, in an email? If their behavior was particularly egregious, do you want to put in a complaint with a licensing body when you leave?

Finally, when you are interviewing other professionals, lead with the kink issue as a litmus test. Be up front about why you are seeking new care so that you don’t end up in the same situation again. If it’s important enough to you that you’re changing care, it’s worth extending the search a little longer to make sure the final fit is good.

Ask around in your community if anyone has recommendations. Go on the KAP website and search in your area. Hell, if your therapist is amenable, ask them for referrals! 

My final note: you deserve a professional, or better yet, a team of professionals, with whom you can be completely open and honest about your lifestyle and choices. Shaming you for consensual kink is unacceptable, no matter the qualifications of the person doing the shaming.