Misogyny, or, Another Disappointing Message

 I just had the strangest experience.

Well, honestly, it was just your garden-variety misogyny. But it still felt very strange.

I had a consultation with a potential client. He was looking for a specific type of relationship, but all avenues had failed him thus far. I did a little probing, a little coaching, a little description of the process, all my usual consultation stuff. When we hung up, I felt fairly sure he wasn't going to hire me, but I still felt good about the process.

The next day he texts me that he doesn't think he's a good candidate for coaching. Totally fair! Some people aren't ready yet to take that step. I wish him well and tell him to not be a stranger if he sees me at events.

Then, he asks me if I'm ever in the market for a submissive, will I consider him?

Oof. That ain't me. I break the news to him gently and he apologizes.

Then, he asks me to block him.

Huh?

Now, I take no offense to being blocked. Sometimes you don't want to engage with someone, see their content, etc. All of that is fine and dandy. But I've never been asked to do the blocking before.

I tell him that I will, and I ask for his reasoning.

The response I get is unhinged. 

He accuses me of being after his money and refusing to help him, then turns his vitriol onto all women in the lifestyle for being gold-digging and mercenary.

It came out of nowhere, and startled me. Nothing in our discussion had indicated that depth of hate was simmering so close to the surface.

I have... thoughts. 

The first one was, "Well, that was easy!" as I hit the block button. 

The second one was, "What did I do wrong?"

Well, in his eyes, what I did wrong was not immediately hand him a matchmaking list of all of the monogamous single Dommes in the local scene. Shame on me, right?

In my eyes, I think the only thing I did wrong was not trusting my gut earlier in the process. But hey, live and learn.

The third thought was, "Goddammit. Again? Really?"

One of my previous posts talks about mistakes I've made on social media, mostly centered around naivete and giving away my time and energy to trolls or people operating in bad faith. 

Even now, my urge is to lay out the entire text thread and point to every single instance of me disproving his rant, to go hunting down statistics on violence towards women, to interrogate the logical fallacies inherent in messaging a businesswoman expecting something for nothing.

That's pointless energy wasted. He's not going to change his mind even if he did ever read it. The people who would read it probably already agree with me on those points. 

So instead, I'll spin it into something I can be proud of.

I did good coaching. I laid down a boundary gently but firmly. I got curious. 

I didn't lose a potential client - I dodged a potential bullet.

I'm proud of me. I'm disappointed in him.

Perspective is everything. Attitude is everything.

Some clients are in a dark place and can't see a way out, but are willing to walk side by side blind with me until we see a glimmer. I can do that.

Other clients aren't yet ready to make that walk, but need company in the darkness for a while. I can do that too.

This fellow closed his eyes to any offered source of light so that he could yell abuse at women for keeping him in the dark. I will not be a party to that.

Every message I get along those lines makes me sigh. They can't hurt me - they don't know me. But the damage they do to themselves along the way might be irrevocable, let alone the damage they could do to the psyche of an intimate partner.

Call it out when you can, block it when you can't.

I'm going to make myself some lemonade, do a little dance, and get on with my day.

Stay safe, everyone.

~Anneke <3