Rookie Mistakes on Fetlife

 I've made a few. My last blog post was even about one! You can read that here. 

But Anneke! You've been doing this for years! How come you're still messing up?

Well, dear reader, I don't actually count my mistakes as mess-ups. I count them as opportunities to learn about myself.

What I learned from my first business account troll was- I'm a little naïve still. Which isn't a bad thing! I love being myself, and I love assuming the best of people. I'm willing to accept a few message threads that drag on if I can keep being me. Feeding the troll without blocking him was the real Mistake #1.

However, I've been putting myself out there more and getting more messages. And due to Mistake #2, I'm seeing a theme.

Mistake #2 was joining a newbies group. I thought it might be a good place to advertise, or at least drum up interest, so I posted on the introductions thread.

R. I. P. My. Inbox.

There's a certain class of people who trawl introduction threads to find new people, then subsequently message them with a pickup line, or a generic greeting. The lines are everything from painfully obvious to concerningly well-veiled.

One of the leaders of the group messaged me with a generic list of advice and links to various pages that are helpful for newbies, which was great! But he also called me "good girl" and "sweetheart" with no negotiation, which absolutely put my hackles up. That's what I mean by concerningly well-veiled. He was preaching one thing and practicing another. 

There were lines treating me like a sex worker, like a pick-me-ho, like someone who was actively soliciting fantasies.

What could I possibly have learned about myself from such a mistake? Well, I learned that I have a long way to go in streamlining my sales funnel because I answered every. Single. One.

I actually got some polite responses, with "Oh, I'm very sorry, have a nice Fetlife" being probably my favorite. I got some follows, some likes on my profile picture, and even one person wanting advice once they learned I was a coach! But no actual clients.

If I was truly a newbie, I might feel beholden to a stranger who took their time out to message little old me! I might feel flattered by this person who saw nothing but my name and face and decided instantly they wanted to ask me for coffee. 

But Fetlife isn't a dating site. It's social media. Would you trust someone who reached out on Facebook, with no mutual friends? 

On my personal account, I've learned to be much more brusque. My profile has a warning about friending me without knowing me, and I'm not shy with the block button. But running a business account means having to tread a fine line so that I'm approachable, but not pouring all my time into the same conversation repeatedly. And I can already tell I've got a long way to go.

My advice to genuine newbies? Stay quiet for a while. Join groups, lurk, read posts, research, but don't add as friends people you don't know just yet. Go to events, meet real people, add them. Admitting to being new is much more likely to draw you unwanted attention. Heck, there are even people who trawl for new accounts in their area and message them sight unseen. 

If you are looking for partners on Fetlife, think about this. Do you want someone who messages others indiscriminately? Or do you want someone with whom you can have a genuine conversation and connection? 

If the latter, join special interest groups and post about what you like. Develop a known presence in spaces dedicated to the things you enjoy. Join local classified groups and post specifically for what you're looking for. Have a filled-out profile so that people know you're a real person!

And maybe avoid newbie introduction threads. 

I'll post more about Fetlife etiquette and tips soon enough, but first, I've got some coaching classes to attend and reflect on!