The Joy of "No"

I think a lot about boundaries.

In work, naturally, but also in my personal life. What are my boundaries? How can I ensure that I respect the boundaries of others?

"No" is a beautiful word when it comes to boundaries. Especially when I hear it from another party.

It's very hard to say. I am preparing two whole classes on "no," one on how to say it effectively and one on how to hear it appropriately. These are both independent skills to be taught, and very rarely do we get explicit instruction on them. 

I'm not perfect at saying it yet. But I'm trying really hard.

And one of those ways is examining how I feel when I am given a "no."

And often? That's grateful.

I'm being handed an opportunity to practice respecting boundaries! And better yet, I didn't need to guess and tiptoe and figure it out on my own, the other person told me.

"May I give you a hug?"

"No, not today."

"Cool! Waving it is then."

It's a very small niche of bad actors who genuinely want to trample the boundaries of others just for fun. I would absolutely argue that the majority of us really don't want to do that, no matter how badly we want a hug/a kiss/whatever. 

Words like "no" and other boundary enforcements feel wonderful to hear from a relational standpoint. It requires some self-management of ego, to be sure - I know of very few people who actively pursue rejection. But when handled right, you can feel proud of both yourself for listening and the other party for being clear with their needs. 

Why would I want to deny someone the opportunity to feel that way?

Why would I want to let a friend or partner step on my boundaries, only to have them find out later that I was uncomfortable and for both of us to feel terrible about it?

In coaching, sometimes I will float an idea to a client. Sometimes the idea resonates and they take it in their own direction. Other times... it falls completely flat. But even when I say "does it feel like XYZ?" and the client feels nothing of the sort, they begin to examine the possibility. If they know it doesn't feel like that... then they must have an idea what it does feel like. Here, "no" is still exciting. It represents a gap in my knowledge, one that only the client can fill. It activates their empowerment and my curiosity.

Chris Voss has a whole chapter on "No" in his book on high-stakes negotiation, "Never Split the Difference." While it's not the book I'd recommend for relational negotiations, it's a phenomenal glimpse into negotiating tactics for business and even hostage negotiations, his original field. His take is very similar - saying "no" is refreshing, empowering, and something we should actively pursue.

"No" holds so much power that sometimes we're afraid to wield it intentionally. 

Fuck that noise.

Keep an ear out for my posts on both saying and hearing "no." 

Stay boundaried, friends.

~Anneke