Values Series 3: Empathy

  Welcome to this 4-part (minimum) series where I delve into the definitions and practical applications of my values list! 

My four top values in no particular order are: justice, peace, empathy, and people. How did I come to those four words in particular? I worked with my own coach! How do I feel about those words? Complicated as all hell! 

One thing I've learned is that words don't actually have the meaning assigned by the dictionary - they have the weight of all of our lived experiences behind them. You probably won't define these words as values the same way I will, and that's fine! More than that, that's wonderful! We might share words, but not definitions, or have the exact same values but call them wildly different things. Isn't the human experience beautifully varied?

The third value in our list is the oft-overused term, empathy.

For me, empathy is simple: the capacity to understand and respect the emotions of others.

That definition initially felt a little... lacking, when I first came up with it. Where's the sense of *feeling* someone's emotions with your whole being? Where's the overwhelming sensory experience of being a self-proclaimed "empath"?

I don't think that taking on another person's emotional experience is necessary to empathy. In fact, I think it can often hinder our ability to care for the other person in an empathetic manner. 

I've worked with many people having active panic or anxiety attacks. Would it be more empathetic for me to speak calmly and use proven techniques to help them process and quell the overwhelming onslaught, or for me to allow their heightened state to overwhelm me and join them in freaking out?

Some emotional crossover is inevitable, and is honestly part of what makes us human. But it's not key to empathy as I value it.

Both understanding and respecting emotions don't occur in a vacuum either. This definition is not an exhortation to mind-read every person you come in contact with. Understanding an emotion could be as simple as thinking, "That person is having a big emotion and can't communicate its origin right now." If you have trouble interpreting bodily or facial cues, it might be asking the other person, "I think there's something I'm not understanding, can you explain further?" 

In other words, the onus is on you, not to be perfect, but simply to be curious. The onus is on the other person, not to quell their feelings, but to express them healthily.

Respect is another loaded word, particularly because of its colloquial dual meanings. It can either mean an "earned admiration", or "due thoughtfulness." I'm not telling you to revere others' emotions over your own. I'm suggesting that we give them basic consideration. This boils down to an absence of guilt, shame, or judgement over someone's emotional state.

Important side note: emotions and behavior are two very separate phenomena, despite influencing each other. Empathy is *not* excusing someone's behavior because you understand the underlying emotions. You can hold empathy for someone and draw a very hard boundary around yourself regarding their behavior. I would argue that's galaxy-brain empathy, since you're holding space for yours and others' emotions at the same time.

When we talk about how to enact empathetic communication, there are two primary actions I think about - asking and reflecting. Instead of making assumptions based on the situation (e.g. if this happened to me, I would feel angry, therefore they feel angry) just ask someone how they are emotionally interpreting their circumstances. Get curious about what beliefs are underlying their interpretation. Reflect it back to them as you hear it, not only to ensure your understanding, but to validate their experience and help them feel heard. 

If you've read my entries about justice and peace as values, you'll almost be expecting this next bit - empathy can be given to ourselves as well. Instead of judging ourselves and trying to repress uncomfortable emotions, we can gently poke and prod at them to gain a better picture of them. Once we understand them, we can show ourselves respect in how we choose to process them. This isn't necessarily easy when you're stuck in a swirling storm of brain chemicals, but it gets easier with practice and reflection. And often, outside help.

The practice of active empathy is a difficult one, but pays emotional dividends in its impact on yourself and your relationships. And you're worth the effort.

Lovingly,

Anneke