How to Come Out to Parents as Kinky

Woof. What a title.

Despite what I do for a living, my mother has no idea about my kink life.

Okay so, I say that, but there have been.... hints.

She stared me down after seeing the bruise on my upper chest, but after the fourth or fifth time just told me in an aggrieved voice "Tell your boys to go lower!"

"My boys" thought this was a hilarious command, and proceeded to thoroughly ignore it.

But getting involved in the kink world professionally, I have the deep and abiding concern that she will find out through a method other than me telling her. Such as, for example, Googling my name and stumbling across my website. With a tab saying "kink."

I've known people to come out to their parents to wonderful results. One dear friend had her mother express disappointment, not that she was in kink, but that she wasn't a dominatrix. 

On the flip side, I've had friends get disowned after coming out as queer to their parents. It is 2023, people. I thought we were beyond that.

So why even bother coming out to your parents? They don't need to know what you do behind closed doors, right?

Wellllll......

Maybe you've had a few family excursions that you needed to bow out of due to visible marks. Maybe you still live with them and have had concerned knocks at your door. Maybe they've even sat you down for The Talk, concerned that your partner is being abusive.

Whatever the reason, there's a variety of entirely valid reasons for one to reveal a few sordid details to their parents. And if that's you, know that you're not alone.

First, decide exactly what details you are and are not willing to discuss. There may be follow-up questions and deciding on your boundaries ahead of time is a great way to prepare for these inquiries. 

Within this step, be mindful that you may be implicating your partner(s) in your kink. Discuss with them how much they want disclosed. If they wish to continue to have plausible deniability, you can use this simple line if asked: "X's interests are their business, right now we're talking about me." Stop the discussion entirely if this boundary is not respected- if they're not respecting your partner's stated boundaries, they likely won't be respecting yours either.

Next, decide when to have the talk. Do you want to prep them ahead of time that you have something to tell them? Would they respond better to a casual discussion over dinner? Or are you going to hold off until the next time something kink-related comes up between you, to make it seem more natural?

This next step is the big one: have the discussion. Yup, just like that.

This discussion is likely to be fraught with certain misunderstandings and misconceptions around kink, so remember to be patient. If they suddenly reveal an encyclopedic knowledge of kink terms, cool! You get to decide what to do with that bit of new information. But it's much more probable that they'll be asking you questions such as "Kink, is that like swinging?" or "But you can't wear leather, you're a vegan!" or anything else predicated on a very narrow view of kink. Remember your boundaries! Make flash cards if you need to, for heaven's sake. 

One of my favorite lines (that you should feel free to steal) is, "Kink is a general term for a lot of activities, but in general it's a more consent-focused and inquisitive approach to sex than a lot of our standard sexual paradigms." Talk to them about consent, negotiation, aftercare, all those terms that we flood newbies with!

One of my favorite strategies is making it sound clinical. Talk about the adrenaline and the dopamine, the inversion of classic power dynamics, anything to blind them with science. There are a variety of really cool resources out there - I personally love this video by Sexplanations and aspire to be Dr. Lindsey Doe. 

You might choose to allow them to ask questions, or you might not. If they ask questions, you're likely to find that their concerns are safety concerns that can be assuaged fairly easily. If their questions get more salacious and voyeuristic than you're comfortable with, tell them that! Seeing you communicate your boundaries clearly will set a great example.

Finally, make sure that whatever boundaries you set are maintained and updated regularly. If your parents tend towards the nosy type and bring it up constantly, you can gently (or not-so-gently) remind them of the appropriate time and place to talk about these things. If they do research and come to you with updated concerns, you can address those gently as you did the first time. 

Finally-finally, please don't have the discussion if you feel it would place you in personal danger. We put a lot of emphasis on coming out of the closet in the queer community, but sometimes there's a tornado outside your door and the closet is the safest place to be. Someday you'll be in a place with less stormy weather, and then you'll have a real choice.

If you have experience with this, or advice that I've missed, drop it in the comments.

Love and luck,

Anneke <3